What Being On My Own Did To Me

It's been about 2 months now since I left my previous job and it's been tough. Not a day passed without me thinking and worrying about how to get things moving, how to balance my commitments and most importantly, how to survive.

Really, to most of them who came up to me and told me how they wished they could do what I'm doing but didn't, well ... there's a reason for it and the reason is that it's really not easy. The amount of thoughts going through a your mind can literally drive you crazy !!! or maybe I'm just more of a worrywrat compared to others. XD

Anyway, I just wanted to jot down two very distinct experience that I went through lately. One was that if I used to have any self confidence in anything in the past, I've officially lost them. I get stuck whenever people ask me about what I'm doing, I don't know what to say because I don't know where I'll be or whether things will work out for me.

Just a few weeks back, I met up with a friend for lunch over at a restaurant in Bangsar Village. I'm supposed to go in and get a place first because my friend was still caught up with something. I walked in, I got ignored and instead of hailing someone to get me a table I turned around and walked out of the place ashamed. It felt as though they've seen through me, I have nothing to offer and would probably could not afford to dine in such place.

In reality, it's probably because the restaurant was packed at the moment, the servers got too busy and I was somehow overlooked. Things like these happen all the time and all I need to do is just get one of the server's attention and I'll get what I need. But what went on in my head felt so real, it's true and it's hard to take in the fact that if I continue walking this path and fail to get any results, I may just end up being too poor to dine in that place.

The second incident happened today. I was out having dinner with a friend. We chatted and I shared about the struggles that I'm going through. When it's time to settle the bill, my friend insisted to pay and I can't help but feel like my friend took pity of my situation and decided to pay for my meal instead. It sucks to feel this way yet I can't really help but to feel as though I was asking for pity when I shared my situation. I didn't.

*sigh*

So yeah, there goes my two rather unpleasant experiences. I made a promise to myself that I don't want to go through that again and the only way to do so is to succeed in what I do. So that's what I'm going to do and that's what I'll be. That I might one day have the opportunity to give back. An opportunity to do something for someone instead.

Labels: Life, Me

Of Friendship and Growing Up

We touched on the subject of relationship today. Strange how we could be friends for so many years and yet each of us are walking on such different paths.

I feel inferior compared to the rest. They seemed to be able to handle things so well. Nonetheless, in the end, we all have our own hurdles and barriers to overcome. May we all overcome indeed.

Labels: Life, Relationship

The Obligatory "Post-Singapore" Post

Why obligatory? Well because it seems like I always update my blog whenever I get back from SG. Hehe ...

To be truthful, I don't really know where to start. So much have happened since I took the jump and went on to pursue photography. After being busy for so many months, I guess, it's not easy to sum it all in words. Nonetheless, I'll try... because I really want to jot all these down.

My so called "intern" period with my previous studio is over. After nine months of crazy hard work and having to serve a choleric melancholy boss, I finally made the decision to move on. I wasn't an easy decision because that would mean I need to look for another job to continue building what I've started. Though I've drafted out a few plans in order to get going, I still feel extremely insecure to be without a job, especially during these times when the global economy weren't doing so well.

Going and coming back from SG this time around, feels routine-ish. Get there, get in touch with my relatives & friends, meet up, walk around, snap some pics and that's all. Perhaps one of the highlights for me this trip is that I get to go out with my cousins for dinner a few times and I attended a church service in Singapore for the first time. Definitely a refreshing experience for me.

Prior to the trip, I was going through a period of physical and emotional fatigue. Physical because I stayed committed to my job even till the last day and emotional because I have to deal with three deaths in two months. Within weeks apart, my eldest uncle and my grandpa passed on. And the week before I leave for SG, my pastor's bro-in-law, whom is also a distant relative of mine went home to be with the Lord. Just when I had my grandpa's passing sorted out emotionally, I was needed to help out pastor and family with the funeral. It wasn't easy but somehow I managed to get by.

I didn't want to tell, because I'm not out there looking for pity. If there's anything I've learned for the last few months, it would be that I should do more and talk less. Sometimes, words are just pointless. Sharing with anyone about anything won't make much of a difference anyway. Besides the usual "I'll make you feel better by telling you something positive" reply I get from others, not many are really concerned or interested to help anyway. I guess, everyone is just too preoccupied with their own things. I guess, that's how relationship falls apart.

I'm not being bitter. I'm not saying I'm better. In fact, that's how I react to some of my friends too. Talking is the easiest and cheapest way to be nice to someone without having to commit to anything. Just tell them what they need to hear and it's done. I've come to accept the fact that that's how life is.

Anyway, back to pursuing photography. Well,the journey ahead is still long and windy. There are so many roadblocks and uncertainties, sometimes I wonder what the heck was I thinking when I chose to put myself through all these. Yes, it's crazy and I still can't believe that both my head and heart is still pretty much bent on going further with this. Everyone around me are making headways, moving up the corporate ladder, getting married and starting a family yet here I am, still trying to get things moving, still pushing for that elusive future. *sigh*

I'm trying and the sacrifices have been great, but like I said earlier, it's not time for me to share yet. Not in details at least. So for now, just be assured that I'm still prodding along fine. It won't be long before things begin to change again. I hope when they do, it'll only be for the better.

Labels: Life, Me, Photography, Thoughts and Dreams

Not A Bed Of Roses

To Someone Special

Dilemma

Back To You

You Know

About Me

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andrew-28-m'sian-christian-perpetually single-half banana (can't read or write chinese)-phlegmatic melancholy-eldest son-self contradictory-thinks too much-photographer & musician wannabe-corporate slave-usually blur-food crazy.

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Previous Posts

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• What Being On My Own Did To Me
• Of Friendship and Growing Up
• The Obligatory "Post-Singapore" Post
• Not A Bed Of Roses
• To Someone Special
• Dilemma
• Back To You
• You Know
• Ethan
• Not Truly Happy

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