A Week

It's been a week. I've had better days. This is not easy at all.

I went to sleep yesterday night, my heart's telling me to read and to pray. I ignored it and went straight to bed. My excuses? I'm tired.

I think unconciously, deep down inside, I haven't come to term with God in what I'm going through. I didn't want to talk about it because I know I have no excuses for how things ended like this. Even so, I am still unwilling to face the reality of knowing what I'm going to lose, or rather, what I've lost.

Why must every relationship that I encounter turns out like this? Even when I'm willing to give up so much?

Why?

Lost

I only saw it in the movies. I've only felt it when the show touched my heart, and even then, it'll only last for an hour the most. Never knew this day would finally come, that I will be going through it myself.

It's only been days but it hurts really bad.

I'll keep my words. I've never turn my back on a promise I made to you.

I'll keep my promise.

Walls Have Ears

It's been a really interesting week. So much went through my mind and heart, it's overwhelming. I wanted to let it all out but I had nowhere to turn to and in the end, I'm gonna leave it all back to the place where it all started. I know it isn't real but I believe I'll find release in doing this, even if it's just a little.

Before I leave, I'll speak to these walls. All the emotions I felt, I'm leaving it here. The unspoken words, the heaviness, my heartfelt pain, the deepest secret. I'll say it and I'm leaving it here.

I'm leaving it all here.

The Reason To Persevere

It's strange that I would get inspired at night. Strange that my mind would begin spilling out emotions and words that would not normally reveal itself during the day. I think I've said it before, that in the quietness of the night, in that peaceful and somewhat serene moments when the world is asleep, I find the peace of mind to really reflect on my life.

It's strange that I would be visited with the same emotions by the same people who first gave me those emotions. Though I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing to feel that way, I'm glad that this heart is still able to experience all that. The strange smile that's drawn on my face, the unexpected frown, the sudden burst of happiness and sadness.

This thread of thoughts taking me through a journey from the past, leading me to the expectations and worries of the future. In my finite mind, all I could conceive are logical progression base on how or what I did in the past. Yet, I know that life isn't like that. The richest person in the world can become the poorest in a moment's notice. A person at the end of himself may just find what he's looking for all his life in the most unexpected circumstance.

These are the hopes that I hold on to. Hanging on to the faith that in spite of all that I am, I have a Father who will never let His children be abandoned and live a life without purpose. I'm always excited about what the future holds yet at the same time, I'm fearful that whatever I expect of this future, will never come to past. Oh the irony of it all. If it's up to me alone, I'd probably end up being a nervous wreck.

Well, I'm not sure if anyone can even understand what I just wrote above. Nevertheless, I wrote it not for anyone but me. That perhaps one day when I look back at this post, I'll find traces of what have kept me going and kept me forward even when I'm completely beaten.

"Christ in me the hope of glory"

Untitled

It's been a while since I last wrote here. Partly because I haven't been writing and I guess, in a way I was lead to believe that I've lost the skill to write. It's strange that I would think that way but yeah, after a couple of times trying to come up with something to write and all I could do was to stare blankly at the monitor screen, unable to translate what I felt into word, it does make me feel as though I've lost it.

It's been a turbulent week, each day I get up my heart wonders whether I'll get better with what I do, whether I'll make it in the end to be who I wanted to be and whether I'll be able to remain the person I am. You see, everytime I think about it, it hurts and everytime when my mind is reminded of memories past, I feel sad. And because of that, I've built walls around me. I've learnt to speak lesser, to keep it all to myself and try my best not to share.

I'm not good with that, with telling people how I really feel, with anything. Most of the time, I contradict what I say because I'm not strong enough to hold on to it and no matter how I try, things just has its ways making a mess of everything that I tried so hard to keep together.

This blog is no longer a private, secure place where I could really turn to when I need to share my heart out. Even when I wanted to, I know that most of how I really felt should just be kept within myself. Words can be damaging sometimes, especially when there's negative connotation to it so instead of sharing, I'll leave it within, I'll let it be.

Something happened today and caught me by surprise. I didn't know how to react and I failed to contain how I felt. I'm supposed to be the gracious me, the guy who's always accomodating and understanding. I should consider what other went through and react positively to whatever comes my way.

I didn't and I couldn't.

I rebelled against everything that's right. I shut everyone out.

I ask myself why. Am I really that bad a person?

I have no answer.

And perhaps it's this inconsistent character that I have that shunned everyone from ever truly knowing me.

And if what I say is worth anything. Sorry.

Fear

It's fearful but real at the same time, to know that I might fail in all that I'm doing. They said "fear is good, fear means you have something to lose" but being driven by fear is threading on dangerous grounds.

I wonder sometimes, will I really make it? Have I really given my best?

Is giving my best enough?

Reflections

I'm slowly letting go. It's strange to feel this way but I can't help but not to. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you think you've done or given, relationship is something that can't be force and feelings are like chemistry, without the right mix, it'll never turn out the way it's supposed to. I've decided to honour her decision though deep inside, I know I would've done anything to make it work.

The short break I had in Taipei gave me some time to think. What I concluded from it was that instead of listening to my heart, this time I'm going with what my head is telling me. Well, I've always listened to my head anyway and though it kinda messes me up most of the time, I think this time around it actually made sense to follow my head.

You see right now I have nothing, literally. No house, no career, no money. I'm barely surviving on my savings and even then, if this goes on for another few months, I'll probably have to crawl back to an office job just to survive. With that in mind, I guess the choice is clear. I can't afford to be in any relationship and it'll be mighty selfish of me to assume that people would accept me in such circumstance.

If there's anything to blame on, I guess I'll blame it on timing. Things do come along when timing is bad for me, or perhaps I'm just one who's bad at making choices. But then, on deeper thoughts, is it even good for me to be putting blame on anything? I don't think so.

It's time for me to move on. All these emotions and feelings will have to go, all these stubborness and persistence will have to break, all these hopes and wishful thinking will have to remain just that, hopes and wishful thinking. I've done all I can, for once I really really do wish that things will turn out differently that how it is right now.

Oh well, such is life I guess.

Back From Taipei

Just got back from a trip to Taipei. If anything, I can now safely cross out another item on my wish list for this year, which is to visit yet another new country. Yay ~

The trip is a somewhat bittersweet affair. Bitter because I was recovering from a sore throat when I was there and I missed out on some really good food. Sweet because it was really fun and we did a lot of stuff in the short span of time that we're there. Shopping, sight-seeing, catching the sun set, food hunting, traveling on every available mode of transport and much more.

Everyone in the group bonded really well except maybe me because I'm like the biggest baby in the group, nursing a sore throat and struggling with insufficient sleep most of the nights. I do feel bad sometimes, for not having the energy to last through most of the days. Nevertheless, on hindsight I'm glad I managed to get through the whole trip without a relapse of fever or sore throat and on top of that, I'm glad to have traveled with a really understanding group of friends.

So yeah, here's an short update on what's been going on with my life. There's more that I wanted to share, perhaps when the time is right, I'll do so. Till then, see ya. :)